To those who know me well enough, they'd know that I've always had an overwhelming interest in history, or something along the lines of politics or any of its kind. Even back in the old days in school, I've hardly written any other essay besides factual ones. It's something that I thoroughly enjoy working on, something that I find myself doing at my own spare time, a platform for me to express my thoughts because truth be told, I've never been good with expressing my feelings.
Even as a kid, I've always found it extremely hard to open up to others and it frustrates me a lot. I just don’t know how or what exactly to say, or when I do, I find myself trapped in an imbruglio of words. And yet, it frusrates me when people don't get me, the way I am and all but hey, who am I to say that? It's by my own choices and discretions that they don't. I mean, if I were less apathetic and more transparent about my feelings, then I wouldn't be facing all of that crap in the first place.
I don't know. I just find it relatively easier to talk about entities or things other than myself. The thought of telling people my deep inner secrets just makes me feel like I’m at the center of a stage, stark naked. Or the mixed feelings you get after every big exam or debate competition, just right before the results are announced. Yeah, it’s kind of like that for me. More or less.
Hmmmm I reckon it’s the middle child syndrome.
Unfortunately I’m not one of those people who can share my feelings with others so everything’s bottled up to myself and I end up relying entirely everything on my own. For as long as I can remember, this is how I’ve been functioning. Sure, of course there’s second opinion and sure, I'm very open to other people's stories and I let them know what I feel or think, but that's different, you know? The way I see other people is as if the words PERSONAL CONFIDANTE are naturally plastered on each of their forehead, except mine. And for some reason, people tend to generalize you as the stereotypical heartless, nonchalant bitch who hasn’t got a single shit to worry about in her life just because everything seems to be going her way. Ok, maybe not a bitch but I do get the rest of it. Point is, my life is NOT the way some people think it is. I guess that’s the trouble you get when people can’t read you, or maybe it's the other way round?
I don't know… Maybe I should have more faith in people, maybe I should learn how to trust them more. Maybe I should start believing that it's ok to show the good, the bad and the ugly.
On the other hand, maybe it’s OK to NOT tell people. Maybe that’s just the way I am.
For once, I’d like to think so...